Pacific Southwest Airlines: http://www.psa-history.org/

Airline Humor?

No Fees, singing flight attendant: http://youtu.be/Jy0Yf1CAsuQ

Luggage Problems: BTU.wmv

Singing Northwest Airlines Pilot:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl5A2j1mGXc 

I just flew with this guy to PEK and the passengers loved him.  He is a riot and a very, very good as a singer.  Any song I named he could sign it.  He sang his hello greeting to the passengers and they all clapped.  He had the entire crew singing on the van to the hotel.  Even the Chinese crew members knew the words to the songs. (From a former student who is a flight attendant for Northwest).

Homeland Security?  or "How Pilots Should Talk"  HowPilotsShouldTalk.mpg

Jet Blast from Air France: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTLGsEErWJY&feature=related

Flight Attendant Announcements:

Occasionally, flight attendants and pilots try to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported, but remember not to try these until you’re off probation:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12. This was allegedly overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of an arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Subject: Air Traffic Control Humor

The following are accounts from the Internet of “actual” exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! "

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go  exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell  you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.

Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu  was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause):

"Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" 

You Know You're a Flight Attendant When......

1. You can eat a four course meal standing at the kitchen counter

2. You search for a button to flush the toilet

3. You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store

4. You can pack for a two week trip to Europe in one roll-aboard

5. All your pens have different hotel names on them

6. You NEVER unpack

7. You can recognize pilots by the backs of their heads-but not by their faces

8. You can tell from 70 yards away if a piece of luggage will fit in the overhead bin

9. You care about the local news in a city three states away

10. You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways

11. You know at least 25 uses for air sickness bags, none of which pertain to vomit

12. You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock

13. You own 2 sets of uniforms: Slacks that fit and skirts that don't

14. You don't think in "months" - you think in "bid packages"

15. You always point with two fingers

16. You get a little too excited by certain types of ice

17. You stand at the front door and politely say, "Buh-bye, thanks, have a nice day" when someone leaves your home

18. You can make a sentence using all of the following phrases:"At this time," "For your safety," "Feel free," and "As a reminder"

19. You know what's on the cover of the current issues of In Touch, Star, and People magazines

20. You stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make sure the "gauge is in the green"

21. Your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows

22. You wake up and have to look at the hotel stationery to figure out where you are

23. You refer to cities by their airport codes

24. 24.And, my personal favorite....every time the doorbell rings you look at the ceiling
    

25. You actually understand every item on this list

A320 Retrofit

(After Miracle on the Hudson)

Subject: Tourist complaints

1) A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

2) A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

3) "The beach was too sandy."

4) A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

5) "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

6) "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

7) "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

8) "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

9) "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for 

the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

10) "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

11) "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

12) "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

13) "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

14) "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

15) "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

16) "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

17) "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

18) "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

19) "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

20) "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

Sources: ABTA, Thomas Cook, AAP=

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'

-----------------------

ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."

Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"

-----------------------

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.  Expect runway 06."

-----------------------

Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

-----------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what?

Pilot: Yes, sir!

---------------------------

Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 helicopter three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1-1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots.'

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots.'

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Frankfurt, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

--------------------------

ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

--------------------------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh...approach, we're a single aircraft.

Controller: Oh xkigh!!! You have traffic!

---------------------

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS approach runway 32L. maintain 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Uh, okay, but you better warn ground control.

----------------------

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft. on QNH, altimeter 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019

------------------------

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred.'

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center.'

--------------------------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's okay. He's not hungry.

-------------------------

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'

(short pause)

Controller: 'Okay, I have you. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W"

immediately.'

--------------------

Pilot: 'Approach, this is Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable to descend at that rate.'

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

-----------------------------

Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right.'

-----------------------

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60.

(pause)

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!'

(pause)

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

-----------------------

Pilot: 'Barnburner 123, request 8300 feet.'

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

Pilot: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

Bay Approach: 'That's a very good reason. 8300 approved.'

------------------------------------

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

Controller: 'Then would you mind turning on the other two engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

---------------------------

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

---------------------------------

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

-----------------------

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

Pilot: 'More or less.'

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

----------------------------

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!

Subject: Australian tourist board answers your questions

  

  
 These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)



__________________________________________________
  Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (  UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

  Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

  A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

  Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

  Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

  Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of  Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

  Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

  Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
  A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

  Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is 
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

  Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

  Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

  Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
 
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
 
  Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

  Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
 
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

  Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

  Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first